Oops, I did it again.

Oh, man. I swore to myself that things would be different this time and that I would keep on top of this blog. (My apologies to those I’ve interacted with and anyone out there who stumbled onto this site!)

This post in a nutshell: ADHD and anxiety had me knocked down, but I got up again.

New Job, No Life

Back in March, while still in school, I started a work-from-home social media marketing and management job. That’s been interesting. No formal work day structure plus the 24/7 nature of social media had me a bit more of a mess than usual.

This was my dream job. If I couldn’t handle that, then… was I screwed?

I’ll admit I got so wrapped up in work that I started neglecting other things. Oops! My perfectionism had me researching the best ways to do x, y, z so I could blow my boss away. Oh, and my boss? Barely present. It was a looong time before she gave me any sort of feedback, and that was only after I asked. So ya, that not knowing made me anxious as hell and always trying to be better.

Verbal Diarrhea

Being forgetful, not acting on things as quickly as I should, revealing things I shouldn’t… Major oops! That got me in some hot water with my boyfriend a few times. I hated feeling like he was my dad and I was an irresponsible kid.  I later read all sorts of stuff online about how damaging the traits of ADHD can be in relationships. It just felt really unfair, I guess.

* Can anyone else with ADHD relate to just… I don’t know… feeling sort of hopeless? Like you’re not really cut out for life? I haven’t even been taking my instant release Ritalin. What’s the point if it’s only going to help for 3 hours? I don’t think it was helping, anyway.

The Doc

Saw my psychiatrist today for the first time in 3 months. I just needed a new prescription for my anxiety/depression meds. Since I’m now stable, I’ll be seeing my regular doctor for follow-ups; That would be my last appointment with him for now. Oddly, not once did he mention ADHD. So I asked him if there was anything else besides the anxiety/depression that he noticed in me. That brought ADHD to his mind. He seems to have such an old-school grasp. As usual, he asked me about my concentration. He’s always stuck on my grades and concentration. I don’t feel like concentration and attention are the same thing. I wish I’d expressed that. I told him it’s not my concentration per se… He said I must’ve had some issues with it for him to have given me the Ritalin.

Sigh. There’s no doubt that I have the disorder, yet he’s stuck on the fact that I’m an A- student. He basically ended the appointment without further discussion. Sort of frustrating. I mean, I don’t know if I really want to take more meds anyway… But, I guess I just want this to be properly acknowledged. I want to know that I’ll have fair access to medication if need be. And I shouldn’t have to be in school for that to be the case. He should know that you don’t have to be a poor student to have ADD! It manifests itself in so many other ways… Otherwise, why did he think to test me for it, anyway??

He’s a strange man. Last year when he was often broaching the subject, he wanted me to wait ’til I started school up in the fall to give me any medication. (What??) I wasn’t really interested in meds then, either. So… I don’t know what goes on in his head. I should have been much more assertive, but since the meds are controlled substances and all, I let it drop. I’m glad I’ll be back to seeing my family doctor. Hopefully I can have a more fruitful discussion with him in two months.

For Now

I’m still working from home. I still haven’t managed to create or stick to a good, consistent routine for work or cleaning or sleeping and waking or anything like that. I still spend way too much time on certain tasks, but I’m not being so hard on myself for it. Instead, I’m trying to focus on the results which have actually been really good! I still rarely see or hear from my boss, but I no longer need her to know that I’m doing just fine. I’ll just do what works for me. One way or another, I will do just fine.

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I’m not an addict or a criminal, I swear!

It’s an odd feeling having to take a controlled substance (Ritalin). I get that it’s a highly sought after and abused stimulant, but man.

My doctor has to see my I.D. twice before printing me a new prescription.  He recommended that I fill half the prescription to see how I respond to the medication.

I realized what kind of drug I was dealing with when I had to initial stuff a bunch of times at the pharmacy.

A few weeks later, I hesitantly went to a closer pharmacy to get the other half of the prescription transferred and filled. When I told the pharmacy technician that the prescription was for Ritalin, I don’t think it was in my head when I saw her trying to read me, or something.  She asked the pharmacist if the prescription could be transferred by phone, and I noticed that same look from her too! Anyway, my suspicions were correct: I’d have to go back to the original pharmacy. I could still feel the tech’s eyes on me as I walked away.

I was pretty surprised when my psychiatrist started mentioning the possibility of having ADHD. I even declined medication for it for nearly a year. BUT, lately, I’ve been worried that my doctor might think I was/am simply trying to get access to stimulants… Especially because I still can’t tell if the 10 mg tablets of Ritalin are having a significant effect. My psychiatrist was clearly skeptical when I told him this at my follow-up appointment today. (Again, I got that look I had got at the pharmacy). I don’t fully understand why he’d be suspicious… Uh, different dosages work for different people, no? Ultimately, the doctor suggested I take 1.5 tablets, instead. And if that’s still not enough, 2 on the second dose of the day.

It’s just been an awkward experience, overall. My fear of being judged for this, on top of my social anxiety, probably just makes me seem more suspicious! I still worry that my psychiatrist might think I’m up to something fishy, but I could be overthinking this. All I know is, if two tablets don’t work, I’ll probably just let the whole thing go. Either I was misdiagnosed, or Ritalin’s just not the right medication for me. I’m pretty sure it’d be the latter, but whatever.

Sigh. People. 

Ritalin at Age 26 – Two Weeks Later

It’s been two weeks since I took my first dose of Ritalin, but there isn’t much I can say about the experience.

I forget exactly what my psychiatrist said, but the vial instructs me to take the Ritalin as needed. Because of this, I haven’t even been taking the medication consistently. I could take up to three doses a day, but so far I’ve only been taking one — if any. It’s pretty safe to say that one dose of 10 mg doesn’t do anything noticeable for me.

I think my hesitation to take the Ritalin regularly may be due to my hesitancy to add a fourth medication to my list. I still worry about side effects and long-term risks, so that’s a bit of a psychological hurdle.

Deep down, there may be a bit of a pride issue too. It’s easy to tell myself I’ve gotten by for 26 years, so there’s no sense in taking ADHD medication now. I need to remember that there’s a big difference between getting by and reaching my potential. Things could be so much better with improved focus, memory, emotional control, etc.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to see if taking the medication twice a day makes any difference. I’m lucky enough to have access to treatment, so I might as well give it a fair shot.

 

Ritalin at Age 26 – Day 1: Coming to Terms with Adult ADD

Today, at 26 years old, I took my first dose of Ritalin.

In the spring of 2016, I found out I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I sought a psychiatrist to finally start managing my anxiety, but I also had some other concerns.  On my second appointment, I brought in a little write-up about my family background, personality issues, and a list of every concern I had. I figured the doctor could take a look and determined what was important.

I was surprised that my doctor didn’t think me crazy for doing that. On the contrary, he actually seemed to be impressed, and even commended me, which surprised me. But what surprised me even more, was when he started asking me about my concentration and handed me an adult attention questionnaire. He thought I could have ADD, but never in a million years would I have suspected that.

Going through the questionnaire, I was shocked by the things that can indicate ADD. I immediately took to research. I learned ADD can be very subtle and often goes undetected in kids who do well in school, especially in girls. Turns out there are a lot of myths and misconceptions about what ADD looks like and who it affects. When it comes to ADD in adults, the effects can be far-reaching and can ultimately cause a person to feel like their life is out of control. It can impact a person’s physical and mental health, relationships, financial well-being, and work fulfillment and performance. It was comforting to discover the reason behind so many of my characteristics and challenges.

Anyway, my psychiatrist recommended a combination of Ritalin and Concerta for when school resumed. I resisted, wary of the cardiovascular risks and other potential side effects. I don’t really like taking medications, and I’m already on Pristiq and Wellbutrin. Plus, Ritalin kind of has a bad rap. Lately, though, my failure to manage important tasks in a timely manner, emotional difficulties, and inattention have caused some tension in my relationship, and I felt it was time to at least try something.

So, today was the day. This morning I took just one 10 mg tablet to start. I don’t think I noticed a difference, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to so soon. The doctor recommended we start off with just the Ritalin for now, although its effects only last about three hours. If I remember correctly, I can take it up to three times a day, but I can’t recall the exact dosing strategy he recommended, and the doc’s now on vacation.

I wish I could tell my mom about my ADD diagnosis. In a perfect world, she’d accept this and respond calmly and objectively. Maybe then she’d finally understand why I was afraid to take on a “real” job with real responsibilities, why I failed to finish so many things I started, and just why I’m not further ahead in life, in general.

I’ll be chronicling my experience with Ritalin over the next while. I really hope it’ll help me with my executive functions. I think I’d have less anxiety and a lot more confidence, then.