I’m not an addict or a criminal, I swear!

It’s an odd feeling having to take a controlled substance (Ritalin). I get that it’s a highly sought after and abused stimulant, but man.

My doctor has to see my I.D. twice before printing me a new prescription.  He recommended that I fill half the prescription to see how I respond to the medication.

I realized what kind of drug I was dealing with when I had to initial stuff a bunch of times at the pharmacy.

A few weeks later, I hesitantly went to a closer pharmacy to get the other half of the prescription transferred and filled. When I told the pharmacy technician that the prescription was for Ritalin, I don’t think it was in my head when I saw her trying to read me, or something.  She asked the pharmacist if the prescription could be transferred by phone, and I noticed that same look from her too! Anyway, my suspicions were correct: I’d have to go back to the original pharmacy. I could still feel the tech’s eyes on me as I walked away.

I was pretty surprised when my psychiatrist started mentioning the possibility of having ADHD. I even declined medication for it for nearly a year. BUT, lately, I’ve been worried that my doctor might think I was/am simply trying to get access to stimulants… Especially because I still can’t tell if the 10 mg tablets of Ritalin are having a significant effect. My psychiatrist was clearly skeptical when I told him this at my follow-up appointment today. (Again, I got that look I had got at the pharmacy). I don’t fully understand why he’d be suspicious… Uh, different dosages work for different people, no? Ultimately, the doctor suggested I take 1.5 tablets, instead. And if that’s still not enough, 2 on the second dose of the day.

It’s just been an awkward experience, overall. My fear of being judged for this, on top of my social anxiety, probably just makes me seem more suspicious! I still worry that my psychiatrist might think I’m up to something fishy, but I could be overthinking this. All I know is, if two tablets don’t work, I’ll probably just let the whole thing go. Either I was misdiagnosed, or Ritalin’s just not the right medication for me. I’m pretty sure it’d be the latter, but whatever.

Sigh. People.