Oh, man. I swore to myself that things would be different this time and that I would keep on top of this blog. (My apologies to those I’ve interacted with and anyone out there who stumbled onto this site!)
This post in a nutshell: ADHD and anxiety had me knocked down, but I got up again.
New Job, No Life
Back in March, while still in school, I started a work-from-home social media marketing and management job. That’s been interesting. No formal work day structure plus the 24/7 nature of social media had me a bit more of a mess than usual.
This was my dream job. If I couldn’t handle that, then… was I screwed?
I’ll admit I got so wrapped up in work that I started neglecting other things. Oops! My perfectionism had me researching the best ways to do x, y, z so I could blow my boss away. Oh, and my boss? Barely present. It was a looong time before she gave me any sort of feedback, and that was only after I asked. So ya, that not knowing made me anxious as hell and always trying to be better.
Being forgetful, not acting on things as quickly as I should, revealing things I shouldn’t… Major oops! That got me in some hot water with my boyfriend a few times. I hated feeling like he was my dad and I was an irresponsible kid. I later read all sorts of stuff online about how damaging the traits of ADHD can be in relationships. It just felt really unfair, I guess.
* Can anyone else with ADHD relate to just… I don’t know… feeling sort of hopeless? Like you’re not really cut out for life? I haven’t even been taking my instant release Ritalin. What’s the point if it’s only going to help for 3 hours? I don’t think it was helping, anyway.
Saw my psychiatrist today for the first time in 3 months. I just needed a new prescription for my anxiety/depression meds. Since I’m now stable, I’ll be seeing my regular doctor for follow-ups; That would be my last appointment with him for now. Oddly, not once did he mention ADHD. So I asked him if there was anything else besides the anxiety/depression that he noticed in me. That brought ADHD to his mind. He seems to have such an old-school grasp. As usual, he asked me about my concentration. He’s always stuck on my grades and concentration. I don’t feel like concentration and attention are the same thing. I wish I’d expressed that. I told him it’s not my concentration per se… He said I must’ve had some issues with it for him to have given me the Ritalin.
Sigh. There’s no doubt that I have the disorder, yet he’s stuck on the fact that I’m an A- student. He basically ended the appointment without further discussion. Sort of frustrating. I mean, I don’t know if I really want to take more meds anyway… But, I guess I just want this to be properly acknowledged. I want to know that I’ll have fair access to medication if need be. And I shouldn’t have to be in school for that to be the case. He should know that you don’t have to be a poor student to have ADD! It manifests itself in so many other ways… Otherwise, why did he think to test me for it, anyway??
He’s a strange man. Last year when he was often broaching the subject, he wanted me to wait ’til I started school up in the fall to give me any medication. (What??) I wasn’t really interested in meds then, either. So… I don’t know what goes on in his head. I should have been much more assertive, but since the meds are controlled substances and all, I let it drop. I’m glad I’ll be back to seeing my family doctor. Hopefully I can have a more fruitful discussion with him in two months.
I’m still working from home. I still haven’t managed to create or stick to a good, consistent routine for work or cleaning or sleeping and waking or anything like that. I still spend way too much time on certain tasks, but I’m not being so hard on myself for it. Instead, I’m trying to focus on the results which have actually been really good! I still rarely see or hear from my boss, but I no longer need her to know that I’m doing just fine. I’ll just do what works for me. One way or another, I will do just fine.